All thanks to procrastination, I have suffered a great lot during the CTs last week. You see, I spend the whole of the holidays doing some work which are irrelevant to my academics (e.g. NCC matters, T3A) and a great time slacking. I only managed to revise the subject the day before each respective paper. That was insane I tell you. Imagine revising BOTH Chemistry and Economics in one way and the whole syllabus of Biology in another. I nearly died, was quite stressed up. Who to blame but myself anyway? Got back two papers so far, I am happy and sad, what irony. I am happy because I didn't fail (that's very fortunate I must admit), despite not completing my revision. Well, sad because I know this isn't my standard at all - I could have done much better if I did my tutorials and revised. E for Chemistry, D for Mathematics. The tutors have directly/indirectly expressed their disappointment in me. Is it too late for me to catch up?
Last Tuesday was a terrible day for me. I am a freaking PES D! I know it's just a pending status, but I would rather a PES A, save all the trouble that will be coming up. I was actually quite unhappy that I have to call CMPB to postpone my medical checkup because CTs are pushed back a week. Admittedly, I have been afraid to talk to strangers on the phone since young. It's weird isn't it? I am able to host a concert in front of a huge crowd, but I can't talk to an individual through the phone. My face isn't even shown! I am trying to overcome that stupid fear of mine. That doesn't mean you can ask me to help you call for MacDonald's or Pizza Hut delivery or something! I went to CMPB in my mom's car, fell asleep along the way. I was quite lost when I alight and finding my way around the place - I was only half awake. Blood test was fun, kinda like the feeling of being jabbed gently. Okay, I used to be afraid of needles but now I am quite okay with the feeling. Fortunately I've stored my urine along the way, drank a lot of water. Otherwise I will be stuck in the toilet like some others who are waiting and forcing out their urine. All the other checks were fine for me, PES A. I was assigned at PES D by the Military Officer (MO). Seemingly, my ECG graph has some anomalous readings and I have history of fainting during exercises, so I have to be referred to Changi General Hospital for a more detailed heart checkup. I also hope my heart is fine. However, the scheduled checkup date is 16 September, which is the Prelims week - I have to call to postpone again! This is dumb, I swear. For now, I still can't call yet because I have yet to receive the Prelims timetable. I can only call tomorrow I guess. Not only that, I have to return to CMPB in October to see the MO again with a memo from skin doctor stating that I've STOPPED eating my skin antibiotics. The MO said they can't enlist me if I'm on medication. Gosh, the efforts I've put in to save my skin is kinda wasted. I have to stop now. What's wrong with antibiotics? It won't kill, I guess. You get what am I driving at? If you get a PES D, this is how troublesome things will be. I think my Prelims will get affected, I will lose concentration. If I've gotten a PES A or PES B L1, I would be focusing entirely on academics now, don't even need to give a damn about NS for now.
Another failed friendship. I know i have been very depressed recently. Actually, I am most of the time depressed, just the extent of it. That's quite saddening huh? I admit this time round the extent of my melancholy was so great that I lost all my motivation, I nearly gave up on myself. It was just so terrible that life was meaningless somewhat. I was foolish. It was just plain stupidity. Why am I putting in so much effort when the other party has no intentions, zero intentions to change back things? I can say friendship is mutual, it takes two hands to clap. But why didn't I realise that it is also applicable to salvaging a friendship? The person doesn't dominate my life. If he doesn't even give a damn about me, why should I continue to dwell in sadness and ruin my future? It's not worth it. Many told me I have done much more than I could, yes probably. No matter what I do, he will not appreciate (perhaps he didn't in the first place), things will not be the same again because he is shutting himself up and not allowing me to step into his life ever again. Why did I make myself so miserable? I was dumb, the whole 3 months that I was in agony, it was just my part of wishful thinking. I was dumb, to have given my all (or even more than my all) for the friendship. I thought all could be the same again, I blamed myself like nobody's business - but perhaps, it wasn't my fault to begin with? There is a time in life for everything, there is also an end to everything. Nothing lasts forever. The conclusion he gave me was clear, very clear - this is the end of it. I have to concede defeat, he won. I will let go since he would prefer it that way. I have to start to love myself again, love my life again and move on. I am not of use already and that I know. All he needs now is his love life, and probably the brotherhood, his academics and his family. I am out of the whole picture, for eternity. Nevertheless, he will still be my junior, a capable one at that, on account of the organisation. Whatever it is, I wish him all the best in pursuing his love, outstanding results and being a good leader. I have persuaded myself to let go, I can, I will and I must as I know there is no turning back, not at all. People did ask what if one day he comes back to me? That, I really don't know for now. Let nature takes its course I guess. God had it all planned. I won't allow myself to get hurt again, if possible. It's been enough, I have to start thinking of myself a little more and stop being selfless and place nearly everyone before myself. It's a dog-eat-dog world, the reality. It's not a world of dream and fantasy. Aloysius, wake up!
I shall end off this post on a happier note. After the last CT paper, benzene went to Clarke Quay to have dinner together (Pasta de Waraku), camwhore and catch up with each other! It was fun! Can't wait for the cycling outing after College Day on Saturday. I am also meeting Melly and Hui Min up after school on Wednesday. I thought we were supposed to meet during June? Haha. I will finally get to sing on Wednesday and I can sing all I want in front of you two because I know you two won't mind my lousy singing. Haha!
Alright, here are the photos! (:
